This year I didn't really make any diehard resolutions except where my weight comes into play. On Jan.1, the scales showed that I was weighing in at 299 lbs. I think the highest my weight may have ever been was 310 lbs. I've managed to keep it between 259 and 300 lbs, but that isn't where I would like to maintain. Its got to come down. My goal is to be down to 185-190 by September. As of yesterday, my weight is 290 lbs. So nine pounds in about a week is good.
I'm going to be focusing on a vegetarian diet, eating more rice, oats, barley, fresh fruit and fresh vegetables when possible. I have a rice cooker, and I like the taste of brown sugar more than I do the taste of white sugar. Cinnamon is also good, and I like brown sugar and cinnamon in oatmeal. With the rice cooker, I should be able to make some homemade vegetable soup, but I don't have a kitchen. The cooker is on top of a dorm fridge in my apartment. Finding a place to cut things up might be dicey, but it will be worth the effort.
As for eating out, I will continue to do so, but not as much as I used to. While I am desiring to go more vegan, cutting out eggs, dairy, and so on, I am not going to bring any baggage to the table. Some vegans are a bit paranoid about the foods they eat. I am not going to bring paranoia to the table. The only requirement is no meat of any kind, including fish. I look at how pollution has affected the evironment since the Industrial Revolution and understand why animals are no longer good as a food source. I find it laughably foolish when a person says you have to die of something. That is crap. It's better to live for something as long as possible.
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Just before Christmas I purchased a guitar. I don't know how many guitars I have owned in the past, but I can say too many of them ended up in a pawn shop when I needed the money. This time around I have to learn it. No looking back. I've got two chords down, both focusing on the "A" root, I guess. I know the finger positions, but I am not so strong naming the chords. I have also been focusing on playing scales. Now I need to be more consistent with actually picking it up every day for at least an hour or longer. If I get onto my students for not spending enough time outside of class practicing English, then I have to get onto myself for not practicing guitar enough. I spent the money on the guitar, so now its time to commit to it what I need to make it more than just an investment.
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A few years ago I wrote a post on here focusing on my dealings with depression. I still have it. Some days it isn't as bad as others. One of the keys to overcoming depression is to stay focused on external things, namely anything that is outside of the cranium. Get engaged in thinking about what is on the other side of the eye ball and the ear drum and the skin. There is more to life than just boneheaded thinking about stuff that is basically overrated. If one has depression, then use it as a gift to write, to sing, to dance. Depression should be a tool for creativity, not a weapon of self-destruction. Melancholies think too much, and depression leads one to think too deeply on trivial emotions that can destroy us if we let it. Depression doesn't have to kill us. It only has to make us more interesting people if we hang in there and control it. I master depression. It doesn't master me. (Well, sometimes I do throw the match, but only to make it feel better about itself.) I jest in bad taste. Sometimes I am not busy enough, don't have enough reason to get out and do something. So I spend too much time alone. I have some form of avoidant personality disorder. It started in fourth grade, and has slowly become what it is today. It seems like most of the time I don't want to be around people, but thre are times when I get the feeling that people don't want me around. It's a loop that doesn't snap easily. I want to have a good relationship with a woman that will result in marriage. Thing is, I have yet to meet a single woman who seeks the same thing with me. Then I look at divorced women and hear what happened in the relationship and I wonder if they think I will be like that if they get involved with me. Then the worst thing that happens is that when I do try to lay the foundation, just be friends, see where it goes, everything blows up in my face when I am introduced to someone I don't know. I get told, she is a good person, she is a nice woman, blah blah blah. I hate being treated like a pinball. The last time this happened, something in my head snapped. Never again. No more showing interest. I will be friends with a person, but when it comes to women, NO ONE STANDS A CHANCE WITH ME. I no longer believe in romance. All I require for Valentine's Day is a 20 guage Mossberg 500 with pistol grip and extended magazine. To paraphrase Rambo, "Cupid, I'm coming for you." Going to war against the Greek "loser of love." He's earned my wrath.
I'm not really sure how I am doing. Since August, some things have not changed, some things are down that should have been stablized, still dealing with problems that should have been solved by now, and some things should have improved by now but have failed to do so. There are things I know are true, but the resulting cognitive dissonance is trying to push me a direction I am not meant to go. If I was taking antidepressants, then I would have followed through with action on the darker thoughts a long time ago. That is not the direction I want to progress, it is not the person I struggle to be.
Call all the Christians in the world a bunch of hypocrites. Yeah, Christians are actors. Some of us are pretty bad actors. Some of us don't even read the script. As for me, I want to be one of those Christians who wants to live in peace with my neighbor. I don't want to know if he or she is gay/lesbian/transgender. It isn't relevant to me. If one is, don't brag about it to me. I don't want to be anyone's confessor. If one has a problem, I want to give a shoulder to cry on, have an ear to listen. If necessary, I can put my burdens down for a while and carry yours if you want me to. Just tell me how I can help. And if I can't do much, then let me do what I can, even if it means asking someone else to lend a hand. I may not be able to do something, but I might know someone who can. I don't want to strip anyone of their rights, I don't want anyone incinerated in the lake of fire. I want all of us to pass through the fire. But I won't force you to come and go with me. There are things I know and things you know, and we many not agree, but at least let there be peace between us. If we are not friends, then at least let us speak good things of each other and not curse each other into the pit. I know the kind of Christian lifestyle I want to live, and I struggle with it. Christ told the disciples to be perfect as the Father is perfect, and I don't care how difficult it is, I want to grow up and be able to walk step for step in my Father's footsteps. I think that is my only true ambition in life. And I fail in reaching this every day. Call us actors. Call us hypocrites. All I can do is keep trying to hold my tongue, for inside I want to call you cowards for not attempting to do what I do. NonChristians are no better than Christians, but the same is true that Christians are no better than NonChristians. The only difference is that true Christians accept God's love and then make honest attempts to share that love with the widow, the orphan, the naked, the hungry, the poor, wretched, deaf, blind, dumb, those who are trapped in circumstances from which they cannot be released. I know who I am. I want to be better than this. In the Darwinistic world where only the strong survive, where survival of the fitest is the rule of the jungle, there is no home for me. Darwin doesn't bring anything to the table that is worth my consideration. Jesus Christ is the only option I have for something better than what I have now. If He can endure the cross without the benefit of pain medication, then I will skip the antidepressants. Let the madness die its death. I can live without it.
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